Contemplation
You know what I realized today?
I'm a dreamer.
My mind is so full of imagination that sometimes it makes me come up with so many possibilities of so many things. I'll have ideas for projects, a vision for what it (or they) could become. When I have these dreams, my heart races and I am so passionate to start making those dreams come true.
There is a downfall, though. I'm not very consistent. At a certain point, I lack motivation and determination to see these dreams come to completion. I think part of it has to do with the fact that sometimes progress or change doesn't come immediately. I get discouraged about it and...give up. There are some moments before giving up that I have hope. That little piece of hope fuels my ambition and it works for a time. But, as I said earlier, when I don't see anything happening I tend to withdraw.
This revelation did not become clear to me until now. A few days ago, I struggled with this idea that I may get married someday. Yea, these are one of those little girl fantasies I've had since middle school. I've always dreamed I'd get married some day...to a great and wonderful man. I remember coming up with a list of qualities I was looking for in this man. Through the years, my list has evolved--becoming shorter and more specific. One real main change was from "He has to be a Christian" to "He has to be a man after God's own heart."What I've come to learn was that anybody can claim to be a Christian, but their walk doesn't seem to match their talk.
Secondly, I'm not sure if it has to do with the holiday season, but it's kinda depressing to me. I mean, I love Christmas and I truly believe it's a great time to reflect back on the real reason for the season...but, I also feel it is such a special holiday to share with someone really significant. I don't know why I reason that way. Perhaps it has to do with the commercialized Christmas, but aside from family and friends I really don't have a significant other to share this holiday with. I feel so alone. And now that I'm getting older, I really do feel like every year it gets a little more lonelier, colder. I get emotionally down when I think about it so much that I find myself crying about it. How pathetic is that...
I didn't always think this way. I would even say that a month ago I was so hopeful that I would some day meet my special guy. Since 2003 I would write him letters even though I had no idea who he may be, I was in love with him. Call me crazy...because I was, lol. You might be thinking, "How could you possibly fall for a guy you don't even know?" My answer would be that I wouldn't know but because I had faith in God and trusted His plans, I knew that I would love anything and everything God chose for me. So many times in my past, God has shown me a better way. One significant event in my life was when He brought me from nursing to social work. I had no idea and never envisioned myself to be where I am today, yet here I am and I'm loving/enjoying every moment of this experience. I don't doubt Him in a lot of things, but I think I'm having trouble trusting Him in this one area. Foolishly, I'll come to God in prayer asking Him to give me a sign if it is His will I get married or if there will ever be a guy who could love me for my entirety (and vice versa). But nothing. I guess I could consider one little "sign"...which is basically my mom and dad becoming a little more open to the idea of me getting married some day. They always discouraged dating until I finished school. It was weird and kinda awkward when my mom first suggested dating/marriage. This was like my little piece of hope that fueled my hopes and dreams...really believing that I would someday meet Mr. Right.
Two days ago, I started to contemplate on a lot of things. I started to think that dreaming about my future husband was futile. I felt like I was wasting so much time, energy, and tears on a person that may not really be there for me. I'm just tired of hoping...I guess. So, I prayed to God for something else. I prayed (or more like begged) that He would remove these longings and desires to meet Mr. Right and get married. It was such a tease when I felt attracted to a person, only to realize that he is not God's best for me. I know God gave us these feelings because He created us to be relational beings. I just wanted my feelings to be numb and unattached when it comes to intimate relationships. I feel like this would also be great for me so I could really be focused on what God is already doing in my life...using me in other ministries.
I used to be confused about things like these, like "Am I gonna get married some day or not?" But, I really am confident about my decision now. I used to imagine a life being shared with another person. However, I have also imagined living in a world on my own...and it's not so bad. I'd be free to do a lot of things; go to places I've never gone; see the kinds of things I've never seen--exploring the world with nothing to hold me back.
Well, I'm happy to say that since praying to God about this I haven't had one of those "butterfly" feelings when I'd contemplate my future with my future spouse. Actually, I don't think or dream about him much. Whenever thoughts do intrude in my mind, I immediately think of something else to distract me.
Letting go...I think I'm almost there.
I'm a dreamer.
My mind is so full of imagination that sometimes it makes me come up with so many possibilities of so many things. I'll have ideas for projects, a vision for what it (or they) could become. When I have these dreams, my heart races and I am so passionate to start making those dreams come true.
There is a downfall, though. I'm not very consistent. At a certain point, I lack motivation and determination to see these dreams come to completion. I think part of it has to do with the fact that sometimes progress or change doesn't come immediately. I get discouraged about it and...give up. There are some moments before giving up that I have hope. That little piece of hope fuels my ambition and it works for a time. But, as I said earlier, when I don't see anything happening I tend to withdraw.
This revelation did not become clear to me until now. A few days ago, I struggled with this idea that I may get married someday. Yea, these are one of those little girl fantasies I've had since middle school. I've always dreamed I'd get married some day...to a great and wonderful man. I remember coming up with a list of qualities I was looking for in this man. Through the years, my list has evolved--becoming shorter and more specific. One real main change was from "He has to be a Christian" to "He has to be a man after God's own heart."What I've come to learn was that anybody can claim to be a Christian, but their walk doesn't seem to match their talk.
Secondly, I'm not sure if it has to do with the holiday season, but it's kinda depressing to me. I mean, I love Christmas and I truly believe it's a great time to reflect back on the real reason for the season...but, I also feel it is such a special holiday to share with someone really significant. I don't know why I reason that way. Perhaps it has to do with the commercialized Christmas, but aside from family and friends I really don't have a significant other to share this holiday with. I feel so alone. And now that I'm getting older, I really do feel like every year it gets a little more lonelier, colder. I get emotionally down when I think about it so much that I find myself crying about it. How pathetic is that...
I didn't always think this way. I would even say that a month ago I was so hopeful that I would some day meet my special guy. Since 2003 I would write him letters even though I had no idea who he may be, I was in love with him. Call me crazy...because I was, lol. You might be thinking, "How could you possibly fall for a guy you don't even know?" My answer would be that I wouldn't know but because I had faith in God and trusted His plans, I knew that I would love anything and everything God chose for me. So many times in my past, God has shown me a better way. One significant event in my life was when He brought me from nursing to social work. I had no idea and never envisioned myself to be where I am today, yet here I am and I'm loving/enjoying every moment of this experience. I don't doubt Him in a lot of things, but I think I'm having trouble trusting Him in this one area. Foolishly, I'll come to God in prayer asking Him to give me a sign if it is His will I get married or if there will ever be a guy who could love me for my entirety (and vice versa). But nothing. I guess I could consider one little "sign"...which is basically my mom and dad becoming a little more open to the idea of me getting married some day. They always discouraged dating until I finished school. It was weird and kinda awkward when my mom first suggested dating/marriage. This was like my little piece of hope that fueled my hopes and dreams...really believing that I would someday meet Mr. Right.
Two days ago, I started to contemplate on a lot of things. I started to think that dreaming about my future husband was futile. I felt like I was wasting so much time, energy, and tears on a person that may not really be there for me. I'm just tired of hoping...I guess. So, I prayed to God for something else. I prayed (or more like begged) that He would remove these longings and desires to meet Mr. Right and get married. It was such a tease when I felt attracted to a person, only to realize that he is not God's best for me. I know God gave us these feelings because He created us to be relational beings. I just wanted my feelings to be numb and unattached when it comes to intimate relationships. I feel like this would also be great for me so I could really be focused on what God is already doing in my life...using me in other ministries.
I used to be confused about things like these, like "Am I gonna get married some day or not?" But, I really am confident about my decision now. I used to imagine a life being shared with another person. However, I have also imagined living in a world on my own...and it's not so bad. I'd be free to do a lot of things; go to places I've never gone; see the kinds of things I've never seen--exploring the world with nothing to hold me back.
Well, I'm happy to say that since praying to God about this I haven't had one of those "butterfly" feelings when I'd contemplate my future with my future spouse. Actually, I don't think or dream about him much. Whenever thoughts do intrude in my mind, I immediately think of something else to distract me.
Letting go...I think I'm almost there.
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