As a result of the wounds we receive growing up, we come to believe that some part of us, maybe every part of us, is marred. Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up--not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own.
Others seem to master their lives, but shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth. We are lacking. We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what he thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate. If we were not deemed worthy of love as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken, and beyond repair.
Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide out truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted. If we are dominating kind of women, we offer out "expertise." If we are desolate kind of woman, we offer our "service." We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected.
Shame makes us feel very uncomfortable worth our beauty. Women are beautiful, every single one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don't have any beauty or if we do, that it's dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind extra weight and layers of unnecessary makeup. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.
"Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge
I got this excerpt from the book, Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. It really struck me because I could totally relate. I mean, every women's story is different but there is an underlying connection with who we are as women. We want to feel loved, accepted, beautiful, and just truly captivating. There's much to be said, but I think Seabird (a Christian music group) said it well in their song Don't You Know You're Beautiful.
We're already more than halfway through the year and much has happened since my last post. A happy occasion: the day we became man & wife! At the start of the year (January 2nd to be exact), I married Nio! I introduced him a few posts earlier as my boyfriend. We were engaged on May 5, 2013, but I didn't get the chance to write about that special event because we've been so busy with the wedding plans & preparations. It is all a distant memory now because we are reaching 8 months into our married life this coming September. For the both of us, we are constantly finding ourselves in awe of God's goodness and His perfect plans. We're learning a lot through this marriage--about ourselves and about each other. I'll be honest, it was tough at the beginning because we're not used to living with each other and having to deal with the different temperments (Nio, the extrovert, and I, the introvert). There were moments of frustrations, disappoint...
Today I felt like crap...twice (over the same thing). I've fallen into that lie that Satan loves to sell me--the lie that I'm fat and that my physical body is ugly. It's a popular product that many girls & women so easily accept. It's a sad truth and an unfortunate reality. How many people have called themselves "fat" after stuffing themselves from a buffet restaurant? But how many still call themselves "fat" after skipping a few days from eating? Ok yea, I haven't gone to the extreme of not eating for a day but I do have those feelings of being "fat" even though my weight is considered appropriate for my height. And no matter how many times my friends or family tell me I "look" fine, I could not come to terms with it in my head. When I notice that my clothes are not fitting right, I become disappointed in myself. We're constantly being bombarded with how the world defines as beautiful. I read somewhere that what...
I can't believe I survived my first week of the "Elimination Diet." As I have stated in my previous posts, this diet change is really hard. It's so challenging to figure out what dishes to make without using tomatoes, parsley, or citrus fruits. However, today I was able to make something pretty decent. I call it..."Yellow-brown rice with black beans and lettuce," haha! I guess until I can perfect the dish, I shall give it a creatively clever name. :] Here were my ingredients: 1/4 tsp Turmeric 1/4 tsp Cumin 1/4 tsp Onion powder 1/4 tsp Garlic powder 1/8 tsp Black pepper powder 1/8 tsp Oregano 1 can of black beans 2 cups of brown rice 1/2 head of lettuce Nutritional Yeast My simple directions: 1. Cook the brown rice. 2. Drain the black beans. 3. When the rice is just about halfway cooked, add the black beans & the seasoning. 4. Chop up the lettuce. 5. When the rice and black beans are cooked, mix it with the lettuce and sprinkle with ...
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