As a result of the wounds we receive growing up, we come to believe that some part of us, maybe every part of us, is marred. Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within our hearts. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew us, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe, that we do not measure up--not to the world's standards, the church's standards, or our own.
Others seem to master their lives, but shame grips our hearts and pins them down, ever ready to point out our failures and judge our worth. We are lacking. We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what he thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate. If we were not deemed worthy of love as children, it is incredibly difficult to believe we are worth loving as adults. Shame says we are unworthy, broken, and beyond repair.
Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide out truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted. If we are dominating kind of women, we offer out "expertise." If we are desolate kind of woman, we offer our "service." We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected.
Shame makes us feel very uncomfortable worth our beauty. Women are beautiful, every single one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don't have any beauty or if we do, that it's dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind extra weight and layers of unnecessary makeup. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.
"Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge
I got this excerpt from the book, Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. It really struck me because I could totally relate. I mean, every women's story is different but there is an underlying connection with who we are as women. We want to feel loved, accepted, beautiful, and just truly captivating. There's much to be said, but I think Seabird (a Christian music group) said it well in their song Don't You Know You're Beautiful.
On March 28, 25 years ago... I entered the world at 9:18pm, weighing in at 6 lbs 15 oz. It was just my mom & I then, because my dad was still in the Philippines. It's crazy to see where I am today and what I have gone through in the past 25 years--the only 25 years of my life. It has definitely been a roller coaster of events, emotions, and circumstances. Such experiences in my life may not have been what I expected or planned, but my eyes have been opening up to the way God has always been involved from the very beginning. My journey in knowing God personally involves various people and events, at different stages in life, that have shaped my values and convictions to this day. I wish I could write down all of those wonderful incidents, but alas, I cannot recall every single one. I will say that there are few significant moments in my life which were definite God-moments--where He has been leading me to where He wants me to be, right now. *** I have come to know G...
Today I felt like crap...twice (over the same thing). I've fallen into that lie that Satan loves to sell me--the lie that I'm fat and that my physical body is ugly. It's a popular product that many girls & women so easily accept. It's a sad truth and an unfortunate reality. How many people have called themselves "fat" after stuffing themselves from a buffet restaurant? But how many still call themselves "fat" after skipping a few days from eating? Ok yea, I haven't gone to the extreme of not eating for a day but I do have those feelings of being "fat" even though my weight is considered appropriate for my height. And no matter how many times my friends or family tell me I "look" fine, I could not come to terms with it in my head. When I notice that my clothes are not fitting right, I become disappointed in myself. We're constantly being bombarded with how the world defines as beautiful. I read somewhere that what...
Another year is coming to a close and all I can think is... This year has gone by super fast! Well, I had hoped to write more entries since my last update, but I guess I can write a quick one just to summarize a few highlights of 2012: 1. GRAD SCHOOL So yes, I finally was able to graduate with my Masters in Social Work! When I look back at my time during the program, I just think of how fast it's gone by. I remember how each semester I wondered if I was going to pass, thinking that there might be the off chance I have to retake the class and get held back another semester. I guess you could say I was a little paranoid. BUT I'm so thankful for the handful of people who are quick to remind me of God's faithfulness and His all sufficient grace. 2. HEALTH Yea...so, I can definitely say that my diet has been increasingly healthy if compared to previous years where only about less than 10% of what I consumed were raw/steamed vegetables. When I was doing the elimination di...
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